Husbands say the darndest things...

The past two weeks have been brutal.  My connective tissue disease is in a serious flare - severe joint and back pain, crippling fatigue, facial rashes, and feeling like I'm going to collapse any moment.  Similar to the feeling you get when you fast for more than a day or two.  On top of that, the aspirin I took to help with the inflammation flared my stomach ulcer, which left me bent over in pain all weekend. 
Because of this, I haven't been able to workout.  I barely can walk.   I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow, where she will hopefully give me steroids (good for pain, bad for weight management).  I haven't been careful with my food intake this past week.  Scratch that, I've been eating without limits for a few weeks.  I was sure I had gained weight.  But, maybe because of the flare, I've actually lost weight.  Only two pounds, but it's not what I was expecting when I jumped on the scale today.

Granted, this time last month I had set my goal for 10 to 15 pounds lost by now, but after being sick for so long, any weight loss is awesome.

Anyway - DH had another hilarious statement tonight.  He stayed home sick from work today (which always drives me nuts - he expects me to wake early, and while I'm allowed to lay around all day when I'm sick, if I fall back asleep, he gets upset), but he was in his office, logged into work.  Even though I'm sick I had to run a few errands today, and then I was so tired when I got home, I crashed.  At 7 pm tonight, we finally begin to spend time together, which usually means we're watching TV together.  I was reading the news, and came across some crazy news story that I felt compelled to share with him.  After he paused the DVR, he looked at me and said, "If this is what you're going to do, I'm going to put on reruns and go downstairs.  You had all day to do this (read him funny news stories).  It's TV time now." 

Ahh how I love spending such great 'quality time' with him.  In all seriousness though, I love him to death.  And TV kinda is our thing.  We watch way too much TV, and its incredible he isn't seriously overweight.  :-)

Intake today so far:

* 2 weight watchers dark chocolate covered raspberry smoothie bars - 160 / 9 g of fat
* turkey dog - 80 / 1 g
* 100 calorie dark chocolate cookies - 100 / 4 g
* 1 cup trix cereal - 120 / 1 g
* 1/2 cup skim milk - 40 / 0 g

I'll probably eat something else tonight, because when I'm sick I need all the energy I can get.

P.S. Super excited today - my mom bought me a dress for my grandparents anniversary party.  It was a hideous size 16, which I was sure would be too fitted (in December I had to buy two new pairs of jeans - size 18 - and while they've gotten really loose, I had no idea what size I was or if my weight loss was even showing) but it was actually pretty loose.  Hopefully by the party next month it will be really loose and I'll need to get another one or have it taken in.

xx hugs xx

Discovered My Ultimate Truth

Once again, DH complained about how much time my WW/calorie counting was taking.  I tried again to explain that if I want to be successful, you really have to devote yourself.  That I was actually spending much less time than I used to.  His response?

"I guess it's better to obsess about all that stuff than to not care at all"... ahh how he's so great at triggering me. 

It's funny, too... he knows about my past.  My 13 year struggle that had me hospitalized once (almost 3 times), left me with irreversible damage, and caused a mini-heart attack and refeeding syndrome.  When I met him, I was finally getting healthy, for good.  I stopped purging and starving.  I let go of my 24 inch waist and gave up my hip bones and visible ribcage.  When we first started dating, I told him of my struggles and he saw the after effects, but never really saw me in the trenches of illness (or recovery, really, cause the worst was over).  Yea, I had a few slips, but never anything horrid. 

Then, almost right after we met, I started getting really sick (not ED-related), and after a year I was diagnosed with Lupus (a full-body inflammatory autoimmune disease).  I've had other problems too, including migraines (whose treatments caused a 30 pound weight gain in less than two months), and cysts in both my breast and ovaries.  Treatment for my Lupus is steroid bursts/cycles, which also means weight gain.  At first I didn't mind.  I didn't care if I gained 20 pounds each cycle - the relief the pills gave me from debilitating joint pain made it worth it.  But after numerous cycles, and then the migraine meds, I found myself this winter 75 pounds heavier than when I met the DH 3 years ago. 

While he is usually quiet, I know he is not attracted to me anymore - when I went from 170 to 195 and then back down to 175 in 2009, he told me at 195 he found me very unattractive.  This December I weighed 20 pounds more than my heaviest.  Although I want to be happy and healthy, at this weight, I am not happy.  Or healthy, really.  I don't leave the house because I don't want to run into people I used to know.  I can't get a job because of my illness, but even if I could, I wouldn't want to in case someone sees me. 

So in Feb, I decided to embrace my former lifestyle fully.  Except purging.  I would, I really would purge, but my back teeth on top are both chipped (I really need to go to the dentist but my fear is greater than anything else), and I know if I purge I'll make it worse and possibly cause abcesses.  Somehow, my fear of the dentist is so great that it stops me from purging.  I have slipped a few times, but I won't do it long term, cause I cannot handle dentists.  This takes a large part of the danger away - the imbalances and damage caused by purging is much worse than those in a very low calorie lifestyle.

I have struggled a little at first, since it's because it's been so long since I've done this dance.  But it gets easier each week.  And with little *comments* from the DH, I keep going, stronger after each failure.

The best part?  I think I am unintentionally making him the perfect Ana buddy.  It hurts when he says things, but it pushes me on, too.  Like when he asks if I'm really going to eat a second popsicle (even though it's sugar free and only 15 calories and I'm dizzy from lack of food), I put it back.  I make him think I'm being normal, and that I was just way out of control before, when I was "healthy".  This way, if I do lose what I want to (and my goal is a place I know raises eyebrows from family and friends), I'll have him all confused when he realizes the things he says are actually triggers.  That he's wrong with his statements.  He'll be on my side (even if it is unintentional).  I'll be able to convince him I'm okay longer than I will be with others. 

Because here's my truth I've only started to realize - I'm going to do this until it kills me.  The sad reality is I'm happier when I starve than when I'm "healthy".  No matter how depressed I was when I starved, I was infinitely happier than where I am at now.  To feel like I cannot leave my own house, to feel trapped because of the fat on my body?  It makes the thought of living... soo... hard.  So I'm re-embracing what I had known for so long.  And I plan to never stop.  This is my lifestyle, my disease, but one that I CHOSE to embrace because, in the end, my life is only worthwhile when I am thin. 

Sleep is Bliss

I had done so well today, eating wise, and went to bed at 8 pm with under 300 calories for the day.  Instead, I woke up two hours later, and when I am half-awake, I tend to be more lax on the snacking.  It happened earlier in the day, too.

I woke up this morning so I could wake up the hubby, and each time I went downstairs to get him up, I stupidly grabbed a Kudos bar on my way back to the bedroom.  2 trips cost me 200 calories and 6 g of fat.  It's like sleepwalking/eating... I know I'm doing it, but like when I drink, I don't care about the damage the food will do.

Anyways, when I fell asleep I was at: 2 Kudos bars (200/6) and 80 grapes (131/.65).  Then I woke up and proceeded to eat one serving of baked Cheetos (130/5), a Dark Chocolate Raspberry Weight Watchers bar (80/4.5), and 5 gherkin pickles (25/0) in quick succession.  I've decided I'm done for the evening, which means my total is...

566 calories and 16.15 grams of fat

The fat is higher than I'd like, but at least I'm still under 600 so I'm happy.

Did an hour of calisthenics and weight work today.  This low calorie diet surprisingly isn't making me dizzy or tired like it used to, but I realized that strenuous workouts make me too weak when I'm VLC.

Weirdest part, though, is that I'm literally not hungry.  Like I've said before, I've been down this road many times, but the hardest part before was the hunger and the cravings and trying to keep them under control.  This time, I barely am having cravings and am only really eating to keep my energy up.  When I do have cravings, I am able to reign them in quickly and without too much damage done.  I'd be excited if I wasn't so freaked by my lack of appetite - especially with all the other health problems I have.

*~* Lexi *~*

Close... but no cigar

As I predicted yesterday, I lost the pound I had mysteriously 'gained', but I am still .4 from being at my goal for this week.  I just need to cross that barrier to feel good.  I have a large workout planned for today, so hopefully that'll push me under.  Although, with my luck, I'll gain weight because of new muscle mass. 

We can never win, can we?

I miss my 24 inch waist.

I have to keep reminding myself not to look to the past and only look forward.  It's easy to think of where our bodies have been before, when we were 'controlled' and 'successful', but looking back just makes it harder to get there again.  Why?  Because we remember all the hard work it took to get there and are not sure we can do it again.  Or at least, that's how I feel. 

I need advice for some good cardio/workouts that don't involve the ankles.  I used to be a workout fiend.  Every day, for at least 2 hours a day.  I never understood why people were surprised I could easily do 500+ crunches and 100+ lunges, squats, and push-ups.  I do now.

My past of excessive workouts, coupled with my connective tissue disease, has damaged my ankles beyond non-surgical repair.  It's a big part of the reason I gained so much weight, because even walking hurts sometimes.  Other times there is a very annoying/painful  'catch' in my ankles when I do anything that involves separating the joint in my ankle (running, hoping, jumping, etc.).  I have an exercise bike, but that also grinds my ankles.  Heck, even just walking up the stairs can cause a hitch in my ankle that makes me fall over.

Take that as a warning, girls... don't overdo it on the working out.  Your body might feel fine now, but if you constantly use extreme workouts to 'purge' your calories, you might cause irreparable harm to your body in the long run.  I would do it all over again.

Hope y'all are taking care of yourselves!

*~* Lexi *~*

Fleeting Disappointment

I've been through this game before.  I know all the tricks, the rules, and the outcomes.  I know that some days are ups and some are down.  Up 1, down 2, up 1.5, down 3.  I know not to get disappointed when the scale moves up because it will eventually move down again.

Then why am I so frustrated and hurt that I let myself down?

I think it is because I was less than a pound away from going under 200.  I was really hoping I'd hit it today, and yet I was actually up a pound.  I really should wait and just weigh myself every other day, but the compulsion to step on the scale is so strong.  Immediate payoff is what I seek.

Intake today, Wed the 9th (so far at 9:30 pm) -
* 6 oz shrimp - 160 / 2
* Right Bites Chips Ahoy - 100 / 3
* 3 Turkey Dogs - 120 / 1.5
* 2 Weight Watchers Light String Cheese - 100 / 5
* Fuji Apple - 80 / 0

Total (hopefully nothing more by mouth tonight): 560 / 11.5

My DH can be such a hypocrit.  He tells me how easy it is to diet (he's never done it) and that to lose weight I just have to 'get used to being hungry till my stomach shrinks', and yet today, because he is Catholic and today is Ash Wed., he can only eat at meals (no snacks) and he keeps complaining how hungry he is.  How hard it is.  Except he got to eat a tuna fish sandwhich for lunch at 10 large fishsticks for dinner, with a cup of soup, that rang in at 1400 calories and 65 grams of fat for dinner alone.

He says that he cannot concentrate and he's starving, and yet he cannot fathom why I get crabby and have memory problems when I'm dieting.  It's easy when I'm doing it, but when he has to it becomes so inconvenient, so impossible.  Bah humbug.

Part of me really wants to eat a little bit more tonight - light snacks - to make him feel how I feel every night.  When he snacks for hours and I have to sit and watch and cannot participate.  But I'm not vengeful.  And I really want to be under 200 tomorrow.  So it's not really worth it.

*~* Lexi *~*

Stupid... utterly stupid

This just goes to show you what happens when your brain is registered in binge mode - my baked cheetos are 130 calories for every 34 pieces, of which there is 11 servings, not every 11 pieces.  I'm truly an idiot.  I almost threw away my entire low calorie day because of my guilt over the cheetos.

This proves that just because you slip, you shouldn't eat everything that you can.  I would be royally upset if I would have went on a true binge (1000+ calories) just because I thought I blew it with cheetos.

New total for yesturday (Tuesday) -

630.5 calories and 19.75 grams of fat... not nearly as bad as I thought.  Although, the fat is a little on the high side.  It sucks - I love 100 calorie snack packs, because they are a nice, even, round and safe number, but they always have a deceivingly large amount of fat.  Not a problem if you eat just one or two, but any more than that and it really adds up.

Stay Strong Everyone,
~~ Lexi ~~

100 Calories or Not... Chips Ahoy, You Are My Weakness

Crap.  Crap, crap, crap.  I forgot how hard it is to maintain this lifestyle when you have a significant other.  In the past, even though both times I descended the weight train successfully I was seeing someone, I didn't live with them and didn't have to watch them eat all the time.

I figured out tonight why I gained so much freaking weight.  My husband has the appetite of a bear and the metabolism of a supermodel.  Seriously, he can eat anything... and he does.  It's hard to be in the same room with him, especially at night and when I've chosen not to eat anything, without wanting to eat, too.

For the last two nights, he has sat on the couch and ate multiple string cheeses, chips, and either ice cream cones or Haagan Dahz.  He doesn't just eat it either, he slowly savors it.  It's like watching food porn.  Each string cheese is pulled apart slowly and eaten seductively, and the ice cream is slowly licked from the spoon.  Funny thing is, he doesn't even notice he is doing it.

I've talked to him about it before.  How it's not fair that when I have to be on a diet (especially since he is one that really wants me to lose weight... 'for my health') that he eats straight junk right in front of me.  But he just gets annoyed that I cannot handle him eating in front of me.

We both just quit smoking right before Valentine's Day.  The way he eats food is like if I would light a cigarette in front of him and savor smoking it, while telling him that I would be disappointed if he was smoking.  Gah.

/rant

Well, because of his habits, I realized there is no way I'm going to successfully ever fast for a day, because as I get hungrier I get REALLY easily ticked off.  And I don't know how much more arguing either of us can take, so I need to not be annoyed at him 24/7.

 Plus, I've been doing this lifestyle for over 15 years, even though I took a 2 year break after suffering from refeeding syndrome in the Fall of 2007 and having a heart scare.  I know how my metabolism works.  Sure, I can fast for 1-3 days, but when I finally break the fast, there is a much higher chance of binging on large amounts of food, which derails the whole effort and actually hurts my weight loss efforts more because your metabolism slows during fasting.

I decided tonight that I will not ever actually fast all day.  Even if it is just a 200 calorie day, that is less likely to cause a binge than no calories at all.  Unfortunately, I broke my fast with a pack of 100 calorie Chips Ahoy. 

They are delicious.  And evil.  Last time I had them, two days ago, I ended up eating two bags and forcing myself to take a nap because I was about to eat everything in the kitchen.  I thought they saved me from a binge, but now I realize that they actually are a trigger for a binge.

Tonight I ate, and ate, and really couldn't stop myself.  I opened a bag of baked cheetos, and even though I read the back and saw a serving size is only 11 chips (what a rip-off, since cheetos are so small), I still ate handfuls - 44 in all.  My orange fingers betrayed me.

Total for Tuesday:
* Chips Ahoy Right Bites - 100 / 3
* 44 Baked Cheetos - 484 / 20 (so much fat for supposidly baked chips)
* Babybel Light cheese wedge - 50 / 3
* 100 calorie Honey Maid Chocolate Delight Bar - 100 / 3.5
* Snickers Kudos Bar - 100 / 3.5
* Banana - 105 / 0
* Plus the green tea, bite of carrot, and smidge of butter from earlier - 6.5 / .25

Grand total - 945.5 / 33.25

In the end, my calories were still under my daily goal, but that's only because I didn't eat until 11 pm tonight, and I ate all those calories in 1 hour and then forced myself to bed before I ate anything else.  I have a feeling the scale is going to jump upwards tomorrow.  :-(

Stay Strong Everyone,
~~ Lexi ~~

Weekly Intake

I plan on doing daily intakes, but I have been tracking the past week and I will just put them in this one post to keep the blog uncluttered.

Mon 2/28 - 860 calories / 13 grams of fat
Tues 3/1 - 1422 / 12.5 g
Wed 3/2 - 1263 / 17 g
Thur 3/3 - 754/ 8.5 g
Fri 3/4 - 750 / 17.5 g
Sat 3/5 - 498 / 8 g
Sun 3/6 - 420 / 6.5 g
Mon 3/7 - 907 / 9.75 g

Today, Tues. 3/8 -
* 64 oz green tea - 0 / 0
* 1/2 baby carrot - 2.5 / 0
* 1/4 tsp. margarine (I Can't Believe It's Not Butter) - est. 4 / 0.25 g (I was cooking for my DH and accidentally, without thinking, licked my finger after a smidge of butter got on my finger - YUCK)

My goal right now is to stay under 1200 daily, with most days below 1000 calories.  I purposely shift my daily calories (some days under 500, some above) to keep my metabolism guessing and to not make it stall out. 

Today, though, I'm really feeling a non-eat day.  Is that ruined because of the bite of carrot and margarine?  Not sure yet, let's see how I feel later.  I just hope I have the strength to make it all night without anything else besides green tea and diet dr. pepper. 

Only activity today was walking around a mall for a career fair.  I want to get some small weight work in but I'm not sure if I'll have the energy.  Fasting makes me tired...  :-(

Small steps...

How much weight do I have to lose before it is no longer water weight?  I know I have a lot to lose, but it shouldn't be coming off this easy, right?

Stepped on the scales again today.  It's funny how quickly I can go from wanting to weigh myself once a week to multiple times a day.

Anyways, it said I lost another 2.1 pounds since Saturday.  That makes 14.4 pounds in 19 days.  From 215 to 200.6. 

Still so much to lose...

It's hard to be elated, but at least I can feel a little better.  As soon as I drop below the 200 mark, I will never let myself get above it again, no matter how sick I get.  And I will never take beta-blockers (for my migraines) again.

P.S. For all those trying to lose weight - stay away from beta-blockers.  They royally screw up your metabolism.  I gained 30 pounds in 45 days.  My doctor claimed she had no idea weight gain was a side effect, but after looking online, it seems like it is one of the most common 'side effects'.  Supid medicine.