I had done so well today, eating wise, and went to bed at 8 pm with under 300 calories for the day. Instead, I woke up two hours later, and when I am half-awake, I tend to be more lax on the snacking. It happened earlier in the day, too.
I woke up this morning so I could wake up the hubby, and each time I went downstairs to get him up, I stupidly grabbed a Kudos bar on my way back to the bedroom. 2 trips cost me 200 calories and 6 g of fat. It's like sleepwalking/eating... I know I'm doing it, but like when I drink, I don't care about the damage the food will do.
Anyways, when I fell asleep I was at: 2 Kudos bars (200/6) and 80 grapes (131/.65). Then I woke up and proceeded to eat one serving of baked Cheetos (130/5), a Dark Chocolate Raspberry Weight Watchers bar (80/4.5), and 5 gherkin pickles (25/0) in quick succession. I've decided I'm done for the evening, which means my total is...
566 calories and 16.15 grams of fat
The fat is higher than I'd like, but at least I'm still under 600 so I'm happy.
Did an hour of calisthenics and weight work today. This low calorie diet surprisingly isn't making me dizzy or tired like it used to, but I realized that strenuous workouts make me too weak when I'm VLC.
Weirdest part, though, is that I'm literally not hungry. Like I've said before, I've been down this road many times, but the hardest part before was the hunger and the cravings and trying to keep them under control. This time, I barely am having cravings and am only really eating to keep my energy up. When I do have cravings, I am able to reign them in quickly and without too much damage done. I'd be excited if I wasn't so freaked by my lack of appetite - especially with all the other health problems I have.
*~* Lexi *~*
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Close... but no cigar
As I predicted yesterday, I lost the pound I had mysteriously 'gained', but I am still .4 from being at my goal for this week. I just need to cross that barrier to feel good. I have a large workout planned for today, so hopefully that'll push me under. Although, with my luck, I'll gain weight because of new muscle mass.
We can never win, can we?
I miss my 24 inch waist.
I have to keep reminding myself not to look to the past and only look forward. It's easy to think of where our bodies have been before, when we were 'controlled' and 'successful', but looking back just makes it harder to get there again. Why? Because we remember all the hard work it took to get there and are not sure we can do it again. Or at least, that's how I feel.
I need advice for some good cardio/workouts that don't involve the ankles. I used to be a workout fiend. Every day, for at least 2 hours a day. I never understood why people were surprised I could easily do 500+ crunches and 100+ lunges, squats, and push-ups.I do now.
My past of excessive workouts, coupled with my connective tissue disease, has damaged my ankles beyond non-surgical repair. It's a big part of the reason I gained so much weight, because even walking hurts sometimes. Other times there is a very annoying/painful 'catch' in my ankles when I do anything that involves separating the joint in my ankle (running, hoping, jumping, etc.). I have an exercise bike, but that also grinds my ankles. Heck, even just walking up the stairs can cause a hitch in my ankle that makes me fall over.
Take that as a warning, girls... don't overdo it on the working out. Your body might feel fine now, but if you constantly use extreme workouts to 'purge' your calories, you might cause irreparable harm to your body in the long run.I would do it all over again.
Hope y'all are taking care of yourselves!
*~* Lexi *~*
We can never win, can we?
I have to keep reminding myself not to look to the past and only look forward. It's easy to think of where our bodies have been before, when we were 'controlled' and 'successful', but looking back just makes it harder to get there again. Why? Because we remember all the hard work it took to get there and are not sure we can do it again. Or at least, that's how I feel.
I need advice for some good cardio/workouts that don't involve the ankles. I used to be a workout fiend. Every day, for at least 2 hours a day. I never understood why people were surprised I could easily do 500+ crunches and 100+ lunges, squats, and push-ups.
My past of excessive workouts, coupled with my connective tissue disease, has damaged my ankles beyond non-surgical repair. It's a big part of the reason I gained so much weight, because even walking hurts sometimes. Other times there is a very annoying/painful 'catch' in my ankles when I do anything that involves separating the joint in my ankle (running, hoping, jumping, etc.). I have an exercise bike, but that also grinds my ankles. Heck, even just walking up the stairs can cause a hitch in my ankle that makes me fall over.
Take that as a warning, girls... don't overdo it on the working out. Your body might feel fine now, but if you constantly use extreme workouts to 'purge' your calories, you might cause irreparable harm to your body in the long run.
Hope y'all are taking care of yourselves!
*~* Lexi *~*
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Fleeting Disappointment
I've been through this game before. I know all the tricks, the rules, and the outcomes. I know that some days are ups and some are down. Up 1, down 2, up 1.5, down 3. I know not to get disappointed when the scale moves up because it will eventually move down again.
Then why am I so frustrated and hurt that I let myself down?
I think it is because I was less than a pound away from going under 200. I was really hoping I'd hit it today, and yet I was actually up a pound. I really should wait and just weigh myself every other day, but the compulsion to step on the scale is so strong. Immediate payoff is what I seek.
Intake today, Wed the 9th (so far at 9:30 pm) -
* 6 oz shrimp - 160 / 2
* Right Bites Chips Ahoy - 100 / 3
* 3 Turkey Dogs - 120 / 1.5
* 2 Weight Watchers Light String Cheese - 100 / 5
* Fuji Apple - 80 / 0
Total (hopefully nothing more by mouth tonight): 560 / 11.5
My DH can be such a hypocrit. He tells me how easy it is to diet (he's never done it) and that to lose weight I just have to 'get used to being hungry till my stomach shrinks', and yet today, because he is Catholic and today is Ash Wed., he can only eat at meals (no snacks) and he keeps complaining how hungry he is. How hard it is. Except he got to eat a tuna fish sandwhich for lunch at 10 large fishsticks for dinner, with a cup of soup, that rang in at 1400 calories and 65 grams of fat for dinner alone.
He says that he cannot concentrate and he's starving, and yet he cannot fathom why I get crabby and have memory problems when I'm dieting. It's easy when I'm doing it, but when he has to it becomes so inconvenient, so impossible. Bah humbug.
Part of me really wants to eat a little bit more tonight - light snacks - to make him feel how I feel every night. When he snacks for hours and I have to sit and watch and cannot participate. But I'm not vengeful. And I really want to be under 200 tomorrow. So it's not really worth it.
*~* Lexi *~*
Then why am I so frustrated and hurt that I let myself down?
I think it is because I was less than a pound away from going under 200. I was really hoping I'd hit it today, and yet I was actually up a pound. I really should wait and just weigh myself every other day, but the compulsion to step on the scale is so strong. Immediate payoff is what I seek.
Intake today, Wed the 9th (so far at 9:30 pm) -
* 6 oz shrimp - 160 / 2
* Right Bites Chips Ahoy - 100 / 3
* 3 Turkey Dogs - 120 / 1.5
* 2 Weight Watchers Light String Cheese - 100 / 5
* Fuji Apple - 80 / 0
Total (hopefully nothing more by mouth tonight): 560 / 11.5
My DH can be such a hypocrit. He tells me how easy it is to diet (he's never done it) and that to lose weight I just have to 'get used to being hungry till my stomach shrinks', and yet today, because he is Catholic and today is Ash Wed., he can only eat at meals (no snacks) and he keeps complaining how hungry he is. How hard it is. Except he got to eat a tuna fish sandwhich for lunch at 10 large fishsticks for dinner, with a cup of soup, that rang in at 1400 calories and 65 grams of fat for dinner alone.
He says that he cannot concentrate and he's starving, and yet he cannot fathom why I get crabby and have memory problems when I'm dieting. It's easy when I'm doing it, but when he has to it becomes so inconvenient, so impossible. Bah humbug.
Part of me really wants to eat a little bit more tonight - light snacks - to make him feel how I feel every night. When he snacks for hours and I have to sit and watch and cannot participate. But I'm not vengeful. And I really want to be under 200 tomorrow. So it's not really worth it.
*~* Lexi *~*
Stupid... utterly stupid
This just goes to show you what happens when your brain is registered in binge mode - my baked cheetos are 130 calories for every 34 pieces, of which there is 11 servings, not every 11 pieces. I'm truly an idiot. I almost threw away my entire low calorie day because of my guilt over the cheetos.
This proves that just because you slip, you shouldn't eat everything that you can. I would be royally upset if I would have went on a true binge (1000+ calories) just because I thought I blew it with cheetos.
New total for yesturday (Tuesday) -
630.5 calories and 19.75 grams of fat... not nearly as bad as I thought. Although, the fat is a little on the high side. It sucks - I love 100 calorie snack packs, because they are a nice, even, round and safe number, but they always have a deceivingly large amount of fat. Not a problem if you eat just one or two, but any more than that and it really adds up.
Stay Strong Everyone,
~~ Lexi ~~
This proves that just because you slip, you shouldn't eat everything that you can. I would be royally upset if I would have went on a true binge (1000+ calories) just because I thought I blew it with cheetos.
New total for yesturday (Tuesday) -
630.5 calories and 19.75 grams of fat... not nearly as bad as I thought. Although, the fat is a little on the high side. It sucks - I love 100 calorie snack packs, because they are a nice, even, round and safe number, but they always have a deceivingly large amount of fat. Not a problem if you eat just one or two, but any more than that and it really adds up.
Stay Strong Everyone,
~~ Lexi ~~
100 Calories or Not... Chips Ahoy, You Are My Weakness
Crap. Crap, crap, crap. I forgot how hard it is to maintain this lifestyle when you have a significant other. In the past, even though both times I descended the weight train successfully I was seeing someone, I didn't live with them and didn't have to watch them eat all the time.
I figured out tonight why I gained so much freaking weight. My husband has the appetite of a bear and the metabolism of a supermodel. Seriously, he can eat anything... and he does. It's hard to be in the same room with him, especially at night and when I've chosen not to eat anything, without wanting to eat, too.
For the last two nights, he has sat on the couch and ate multiple string cheeses, chips, and either ice cream cones or Haagan Dahz. He doesn't just eat it either, he slowly savors it. It's like watching food porn. Each string cheese is pulled apart slowly and eaten seductively, and the ice cream is slowly licked from the spoon. Funny thing is, he doesn't even notice he is doing it.
I've talked to him about it before. How it's not fair that when I have to be on a diet (especially since he is one that really wants me to lose weight... 'for my health') that he eats straight junk right in front of me. But he just gets annoyed that I cannot handle him eating in front of me.
We both just quit smoking right before Valentine's Day. The way he eats food is like if I would light a cigarette in front of him and savor smoking it, while telling him that I would be disappointed if he was smoking. Gah.
/rant
Well, because of his habits, I realized there is no way I'm going to successfully ever fast for a day, because as I get hungrier I get REALLY easily ticked off. And I don't know how much more arguing either of us can take, so I need to not be annoyed at him 24/7.
Plus, I've been doing this lifestyle for over 15 years, even though I took a 2 year break after suffering from refeeding syndrome in the Fall of 2007 and having a heart scare. I know how my metabolism works. Sure, I can fast for 1-3 days, but when I finally break the fast, there is a much higher chance of binging on large amounts of food, which derails the whole effort and actually hurts my weight loss efforts more because your metabolism slows during fasting.
I decided tonight that I will not ever actually fast all day. Even if it is just a 200 calorie day, that is less likely to cause a binge than no calories at all. Unfortunately, I broke my fast with a pack of 100 calorie Chips Ahoy.
They are delicious. And evil. Last time I had them, two days ago, I ended up eating two bags and forcing myself to take a nap because I was about to eat everything in the kitchen. I thought they saved me from a binge, but now I realize that they actually are a trigger for a binge.
Tonight I ate, and ate, and really couldn't stop myself. I opened a bag of baked cheetos, and even though I read the back and saw a serving size is only 11 chips (what a rip-off, since cheetos are so small), I still ate handfuls - 44 in all. My orange fingers betrayed me.
Total for Tuesday:
* Chips Ahoy Right Bites - 100 / 3
* 44 Baked Cheetos - 484 / 20 (so much fat for supposidly baked chips)
* Babybel Light cheese wedge - 50 / 3
* 100 calorie Honey Maid Chocolate Delight Bar - 100 / 3.5
* Snickers Kudos Bar - 100 / 3.5
* Banana - 105 / 0
* Plus the green tea, bite of carrot, and smidge of butter from earlier - 6.5 / .25
Grand total - 945.5 / 33.25
In the end, my calories were still under my daily goal, but that's only because I didn't eat until 11 pm tonight, and I ate all those calories in 1 hour and then forced myself to bed before I ate anything else. I have a feeling the scale is going to jump upwards tomorrow. :-(
Stay Strong Everyone,
~~ Lexi ~~
I figured out tonight why I gained so much freaking weight. My husband has the appetite of a bear and the metabolism of a supermodel. Seriously, he can eat anything... and he does. It's hard to be in the same room with him, especially at night and when I've chosen not to eat anything, without wanting to eat, too.
For the last two nights, he has sat on the couch and ate multiple string cheeses, chips, and either ice cream cones or Haagan Dahz. He doesn't just eat it either, he slowly savors it. It's like watching food porn. Each string cheese is pulled apart slowly and eaten seductively, and the ice cream is slowly licked from the spoon. Funny thing is, he doesn't even notice he is doing it.
I've talked to him about it before. How it's not fair that when I have to be on a diet (especially since he is one that really wants me to lose weight... 'for my health') that he eats straight junk right in front of me. But he just gets annoyed that I cannot handle him eating in front of me.
We both just quit smoking right before Valentine's Day. The way he eats food is like if I would light a cigarette in front of him and savor smoking it, while telling him that I would be disappointed if he was smoking. Gah.
/rant
Well, because of his habits, I realized there is no way I'm going to successfully ever fast for a day, because as I get hungrier I get REALLY easily ticked off. And I don't know how much more arguing either of us can take, so I need to not be annoyed at him 24/7.
Plus, I've been doing this lifestyle for over 15 years, even though I took a 2 year break after suffering from refeeding syndrome in the Fall of 2007 and having a heart scare. I know how my metabolism works. Sure, I can fast for 1-3 days, but when I finally break the fast, there is a much higher chance of binging on large amounts of food, which derails the whole effort and actually hurts my weight loss efforts more because your metabolism slows during fasting.
I decided tonight that I will not ever actually fast all day. Even if it is just a 200 calorie day, that is less likely to cause a binge than no calories at all. Unfortunately, I broke my fast with a pack of 100 calorie Chips Ahoy.
They are delicious. And evil. Last time I had them, two days ago, I ended up eating two bags and forcing myself to take a nap because I was about to eat everything in the kitchen. I thought they saved me from a binge, but now I realize that they actually are a trigger for a binge.
Tonight I ate, and ate, and really couldn't stop myself. I opened a bag of baked cheetos, and even though I read the back and saw a serving size is only 11 chips (what a rip-off, since cheetos are so small), I still ate handfuls - 44 in all. My orange fingers betrayed me.
Total for Tuesday:
* Chips Ahoy Right Bites - 100 / 3
* 44 Baked Cheetos - 484 / 20 (so much fat for supposidly baked chips)
* Babybel Light cheese wedge - 50 / 3
* 100 calorie Honey Maid Chocolate Delight Bar - 100 / 3.5
* Snickers Kudos Bar - 100 / 3.5
* Banana - 105 / 0
* Plus the green tea, bite of carrot, and smidge of butter from earlier - 6.5 / .25
Grand total - 945.5 / 33.25
In the end, my calories were still under my daily goal, but that's only because I didn't eat until 11 pm tonight, and I ate all those calories in 1 hour and then forced myself to bed before I ate anything else. I have a feeling the scale is going to jump upwards tomorrow. :-(
Stay Strong Everyone,
~~ Lexi ~~
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Weekly Intake
I plan on doing daily intakes, but I have been tracking the past week and I will just put them in this one post to keep the blog uncluttered.
Mon 2/28 - 860 calories / 13 grams of fat
Tues 3/1 - 1422 / 12.5 g
Wed 3/2 - 1263 / 17 g
Thur 3/3 - 754/ 8.5 g
Fri 3/4 - 750 / 17.5 g
Sat 3/5 - 498 / 8 g
Sun 3/6 - 420 / 6.5 g
Mon 3/7 - 907 / 9.75 g
Today, Tues. 3/8 -
* 64 oz green tea - 0 / 0
* 1/2 baby carrot - 2.5 / 0
* 1/4 tsp. margarine (I Can't Believe It's Not Butter) - est. 4 / 0.25 g (I was cooking for my DH and accidentally, without thinking, licked my finger after a smidge of butter got on my finger - YUCK)
My goal right now is to stay under 1200 daily, with most days below 1000 calories. I purposely shift my daily calories (some days under 500, some above) to keep my metabolism guessing and to not make it stall out.
Today, though, I'm really feeling a non-eat day. Is that ruined because of the bite of carrot and margarine? Not sure yet, let's see how I feel later. I just hope I have the strength to make it all night without anything else besides green tea and diet dr. pepper.
Only activity today was walking around a mall for a career fair. I want to get some small weight work in but I'm not sure if I'll have the energy. Fasting makes me tired... :-(
Mon 2/28 - 860 calories / 13 grams of fat
Tues 3/1 - 1422 / 12.5 g
Wed 3/2 - 1263 / 17 g
Thur 3/3 - 754/ 8.5 g
Fri 3/4 - 750 / 17.5 g
Sat 3/5 - 498 / 8 g
Sun 3/6 - 420 / 6.5 g
Mon 3/7 - 907 / 9.75 g
Today, Tues. 3/8 -
* 64 oz green tea - 0 / 0
* 1/2 baby carrot - 2.5 / 0
* 1/4 tsp. margarine (I Can't Believe It's Not Butter) - est. 4 / 0.25 g (I was cooking for my DH and accidentally, without thinking, licked my finger after a smidge of butter got on my finger - YUCK)
My goal right now is to stay under 1200 daily, with most days below 1000 calories. I purposely shift my daily calories (some days under 500, some above) to keep my metabolism guessing and to not make it stall out.
Today, though, I'm really feeling a non-eat day. Is that ruined because of the bite of carrot and margarine? Not sure yet, let's see how I feel later. I just hope I have the strength to make it all night without anything else besides green tea and diet dr. pepper.
Only activity today was walking around a mall for a career fair. I want to get some small weight work in but I'm not sure if I'll have the energy. Fasting makes me tired... :-(
Small steps...
How much weight do I have to lose before it is no longer water weight? I know I have a lot to lose, but it shouldn't be coming off this easy, right?
Stepped on the scales again today. It's funny how quickly I can go from wanting to weigh myself once a week to multiple times a day.
Anyways, it said I lost another 2.1 pounds since Saturday. That makes 14.4 pounds in 19 days. From 215 to 200.6.
Still so much to lose...
It's hard to be elated, but at least I can feel a little better. As soon as I drop below the 200 mark, I will never let myself get above it again, no matter how sick I get. And I will never take beta-blockers (for my migraines) again.
P.S. For all those trying to lose weight - stay away from beta-blockers. They royally screw up your metabolism. I gained 30 pounds in 45 days. My doctor claimed she had no idea weight gain was a side effect, but after looking online, it seems like it is one of the most common 'side effects'. Supid medicine.
Stepped on the scales again today. It's funny how quickly I can go from wanting to weigh myself once a week to multiple times a day.
Anyways, it said I lost another 2.1 pounds since Saturday. That makes 14.4 pounds in 19 days. From 215 to 200.6.
Still so much to lose...
It's hard to be elated, but at least I can feel a little better. As soon as I drop below the 200 mark, I will never let myself get above it again, no matter how sick I get. And I will never take beta-blockers (for my migraines) again.
P.S. For all those trying to lose weight - stay away from beta-blockers. They royally screw up your metabolism. I gained 30 pounds in 45 days. My doctor claimed she had no idea weight gain was a side effect, but after looking online, it seems like it is one of the most common 'side effects'. Supid medicine.
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